Oh my god! I'm a sheep

Thank You For Everything

2005-10-08T13:03:40Z

"Everyday that guy caught my eye. His name was Nick Goble.

I didn't know it, but from that point on; he was going to be majorly involved in my life. He introduced me to Fencing, Music, Writing, and Slushies! He helped me learn that there is no reason for me to commit suicide. He helped me stop Cutting, w/o physically doing anything. He has made me happy; when I have been sad."

"He has been my inspiration, but more importantly a loving friend."

"Whatever happens to you in the future, Don't ever change who you are."

I decided to go through my writings after reading nick's LJ and i found these. Thank you for everything, Nick

spending time with skwural.. and looking at my spiffy new REAL sword

2005-05-22T21:06:43Z

went out shopping with my boyfriend today and I's got a couple SHINEY things..... A lighter holder with a sword on it (it looks teh awsome) and a HUGE,SHINEY,REAL SWORD!!!! it has a bblack handle with skulls on it..... It is teh awsome and it was $18.... now I'm broke....... had to get my boyfriend to help pay for it TT_TT I'm a broke mfer (censoring b/c little kids around me) we saw a sega genisus in it's box at the flea market at one booth, then sonic 1 at another, sonic 2 at a different booth, and sonic 3 at a different flea market..... we were soooooo tempted to go back and get them all, but they were sold out TT_TT. Now I'm stareing at my crystal with a faerie and flower design in it.

I'm doing pictures on =Chibi-Rinku's oekaki now..... they turn out all spiff! ^-^

(copied from my devart journal)

ghost of you

2005-05-16T19:32:58Z

I never said I'd lie and wait forever
If I died we'd be together
I cant always just forget her
but she could try

at the end of the world
or the last thing I see
you are
never coming home
never coming home
could I? should I?
and all the things that you never ever told me
and all the smiles that are ever ever...
ever...

get the feeling that you're never
all alone and I remember now
at the top of my lungs in my arms she dies
she dies

at the end of the world
or the last thing I see
you are
never coming home
never coming home
could I? should I?
and all the things that you never ever told me
and all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me
never coming home
never coming home
could I? should I?
and all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me
for all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me

if I fall
if I fall (down)

at the end of the world
or the last thing I see
you are
never coming home
never coming home
never coming home
never coming home
and all the things that you never ever told me
and all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me
never coming home
never coming home
could I? should I?
and all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me
for all the ghosts that are never gonna...

why?

2005-05-16T19:32:28Z

skwural went out for a "walk" last night around 8:15pm and was found near my house at 11pm. He took off running when my mom saw him. I started getting really worried b/c sam came up to me and started yelling at me for not telling her he has Asma[sp?].I sat outside from 12am-1am listening to his favorite band- My chemical romance - and burning Red and White candles. Don't know why, red and white, something just told me to burn red and white candles and have hope he showed up. no one told me what was going on, I had to get Ross(skwural's older brother) to tell me the full story.
His dad said that this was the first time he did this and it was actually the THIRD. My uncle gave me a lighter last night. If i hadn't have gotten that lighter, I wouldn't have been able to get through the woods (it was pitch-black and i didn't have a flashlight)
Skwural was found at 2:15am, 6 hours after he left, 6 FUCKING HOURS.

me: Skwural, what's wrong?
skw: nothing
me: why were you out so late? you had me worried to death.
skw: I was running
me: why?
skw: running from life
me:....why?
skw: I hate my life
me: skwural....
skw: don't worry about me....
me: why were you in my neighborhood?
skw: I...
my mom: he was going to say good-bye....
me: good-bye...? why?
skw: i wish i could die....
me: NO, Skwural, No
My mom: it's ok, michaela
me: no it's not
skw: i gotta go....
me: skwural! I love you
skw: i love you too.....
me: skwural....
and then i heard a dial tone.... I've only gotten 1 hour of sleep in the past 36 hours and i haven't ate anything in 24 hours. I cried all night.

...?

2005-05-13T19:23:16Z

after working on my depression video project, I feel much better. This be a good thing for now. 2 syl's to do over weekend (>o<) i'll try to finish them tonight so i can hang out with peepol (i purposly misspelled stuf btw) on saturday or sunday. (v.v)just remembered...... I'm grounded. 1) for taking a shower thursday morning instead of weds. night and 2) for calling mom after driver's ED and asking to go to rachy's guitar concert.

BTW, Rachel, I sat in the back of the auditorium with nick and katie

e_link @ 2005-05-09T14:50:00

2005-05-09T18:51:44Z

You Have Good Karma

In general, you like to do the right thing when it comes to others.

Your caring personality really shines through.

Sure, you have your moments of weakness - and occasionally act out.

But, all in all, you're karma is good... even with those few dark spots.

How's Your Karma?

'feels like fire inside your veins'

2005-05-05T19:31:49Z

been listening to Thrice lately... Got Artist in an ambulance on saturday and I haven't stopped listening to it nonstop. I was only in Video yearbook for about 30 minutes. I was developing film in photography for the first half of the period and ALL of lunch. I figured out how to use the print drier and how to walk on film, so it wasn't that much of an escape from a boring class. Tried to talk to Guidence about switching from Advance guitar and Mass Media to Art 1 & 2. Thinking about that thing, about going to NC school of the arts for 11th and 12th grade for free and have free board. Rachy got to be my model during 2nd period. ^-^. blasting Thrice right now. Scott keeps messing with me. taking my hat and screaming in my ear. I gotta go. 3:30

more updates.........

2005-05-01T07:59:54Z

been thinking about love lately. What is love? a feeling? undescribable? confusing?....... Confusing.....

lately, that's what it has been.... confusing. I'm in one of my "questioning" moods again, questioning the fact of if i love skwural, TRULY, WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL and also the fact of "am i loved?"

---
thought i was over
the one i thought wasn't real
only to find out
I never will
---

been thinking of my first impressions of people lately.

"Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger" -evanescence; fields of innocence

who has the right?

2005-05-01T07:48:29Z

well, yeah...... gonna try and meet up with Bader tommorrow. found out friday that someone went through my "diary" and ripped out an entry about cutting and suicide and gave it to Bader. Found out, bader has had it sence monday. what I'm doing is going to tell bader "I was writing a journalish-story" I wonder if he'll believe me......... If not he was talking about calling my mom and talking to guidence about it.

Quiz slut I am!!! posts and runs

2005-05-01T07:22:03Z

Your Evanescence song is: Field of Innocence
Your "adult" life is full of despair,
hate and un-pure things. Nothing is good
anymore and you are generally depressed about
it. You remember the good times from your
earlier years: your childhood. Back then every
feeling was nice and you didn't have to face
the worlds cold heart. You wonder if you're
even the same person anymore since you've
changed so much. Sadly enough no one can
control time.

Please rate and take my other quizzes!

What Evanescence song are you?[many outcomes + wonderful pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

Your soul is broken.
You are living through a lot of pain everyday
that you have to deal with, which is making you
sorrowful. No one ever stays by your side when
you truly need them and no one ever will.
Everything is hopeless and tragic and you keep
yearning for the day you will be free from
pain. Love is unlikely to happen to you because
you isolate yourself and are suspicious of
peoples motives. You stand in the shadows of
the world, watching what you can never have.
The bruises you carry never seems to heal, your
mind is dark and no one seems to understand or
wants to help. As always, you will be alone in
the world, fighting your dark thoughts by
yourself.

How is your soul?(pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Your connection with darkness is through your
depression. Hated, sad and often feeling
lonely, there is only a few that appreciate the
real you. You tend to keep to yourself and away
from the world since you don't want to be hurt
and betrayed again. Music gives you the
understanding you need to get through, it's
your "therapy". Or you express
yourself through art or writing. Chances are
you're also an anti-social person, who only
likes being with close friends, if even that.
The world has finally showed it's true face for
you and you wish life wasn't this miserable to
live through. Maybe you'll find happiness in
the future, but right now you're just hiding
away from the world. Who needs people anyway?

What is your connection with darkness? (pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Your word is: Helpless. You have so many emotions
bottled up inside and you are at the verge of a
breaking point. Life is just too painful
nowadays and you don't want to live it more.
You secretly wish someone would show their love
for you and save you from your dark thoughts.
You feel there is nothing you can do and may
turn to self-harming to relieve the stress. You
are also often depressed and may have thoughts
of death. Life didn't turn out the way you
wanted it to.

What dark word represents you? (anime pics and 7 outcomes)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are sad because of your life and obsession with
death

Why are you sad? [amazing pictures] For darker people
brought to you by Quizilla

Tears

2005-04-27T19:26:06Z

tears glisten the face
they can not be seen
but, they can be felt
the memories are there
but, no one can tell
fighting so hard
to maintain this facade
while deep inside
the pain pushes through

Sitting here wondering....

2005-04-27T19:23:47Z

Lately I've been depressed, some of it (such as last night) being my own inner conflicts. Everyday that I'm depressed I feel like crying but I can't. Today "lil Jon" came back to video yearbook and started messing with me again(don't worry, he didn't hit me. When he tried to hit me, I stood my ground and he backed off). Been writing alot lately. Sister made me go outdoor skating a couple nights ago and I almost got hit by a car and my sister laughed(that's probaly one of the things fueling my depression) Ankles have been killing me lately(probaly from skating since i hadn't done that for about 1/2 a year)I'm going now. 8 minutes left of class. till next time......

Betrayal

2005-04-24T21:42:00Z

note: for you to understand this, you have to have ALREADY seen the new Foamy cartoon "Channels"

FOAMY HAS GONE TO THE DARK SIDE.

THIS TIME HE HAS GONE TOO FAR..... I can understand him complaining about extra channels with the shows from the 1980's and the music video channels with NO music videos but...... him complaining about the shows with the "gay" guys comeing in people's houses and changing thier houses and thier clothing and calling it "a part of the gay agenda" that is wrong, just wrong. Pil-ze, Begley[sp?], and Germaine are still my buddies, but Foamy and the Hatta are just plain evil now. Hold up for a second, they are not evil, they are ebil (ebil is more than evil is evil). Just a warning to people right now, do not mention Foamy or "the Hatta" to me right now cuz 1) if you're a girl, I'll kill you 2) If you're a guy, I will kick you AND I will kill you.

night_wing: -_- Grr. Foamy's turned into a right-wing obssessive. Joy. T_T

I'm going on a boy... er girlcott against Foamy. Comment if you support me in doing this.

e_link @ 2005-04-18T15:26:00

2005-04-18T19:27:10Z

You are an
assassin.
That means you are a proffessional and do your
job without mixing any emotions in it. In your
life you have probably been hurt many times and
have gotten some mental scars. This results in
you being distant from people. Though many
think that you are evil, you are not. What you
really are is a person, trying to forget your
pain and past. You are the person who never
seems to care and that is why being an assassin
fits you good. Atleast, that's what people
think. Even if you don't care that much for
your victims, you still have the ability to
care and to generally feel. It is not lost,
just a little forgotten. In crowds you tend to
not get to noticed, and dress in black or other
discrete colours. You don't being in the
spotlight and wish people would just leave you
alone. But once you do get close to someone you
have a hard time letting go and get real down
if you loose him/her.

Main weapon: Sniper
Quote: "The walls we build around
us to keep out the sadness also keep out the
joy" -Jim Rohn
Facial expression: Narrowed eyes

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

Lately

2005-04-16T21:47:02Z

Last night was fun. Spent the night at Skwural's house (no comments about that please, heard enough already) We stayed up till about 1am. We played "Donkey Konga" and "Tales of Symphonia". Donkey Konga isn't that bad. It's harder than people might actually think. Tales of Symphonia we gave up on and played this morning (and got to the boss!) Mom got pissed off b/c I got home 2 hours late *major sweatdrop* When i got home, i called nick and went to get ready to hang out but, before i could... My dad called and told me he had cancer. Talked to him for about 30 minutes and realized even if he is evil at times, I still love him because he is my father. After that, I went to putt-putt with my buddies. We went to barnes&noble also. Nick had to get home by 4:30 so i hung out at rach's house and currently am about to leave. So i love everyone and talk to you later.

pass along

2005-04-16T21:31:15Z

It affects everyone


It doesn't discriminate
Show that it has affected you too

Day of silence

2005-04-13T19:28:09Z

the day has been "ok"

that is..... depending on your definition[sp?] of OK

Atleast every class period, someone has tried to get me to talk. Oh well, fuck them cuz I'm staying quiet. after the bell rang to go to third period, i accidentally bumped into someone and about 5 people started hitting me. Some people are pissing me off though. Some people are doing the day of silence b/c they don't want to talk in thier classes. What pissed me off even more is that on thier stickers that they somehow managed to get, they wrote "I'M NOT GAY" as if just b/c your wearing a sticker, it makes you gay. Rudy got a note from his teacher to have 4th lunch. One of the teachers started asking him why he had 1st, 2nd and 4th lunch. Poor Bradley couldn't make 1 period without talking. Travis got mad that i wasn't talking and then started saying "how gay spongebob is"

3:27...
gotta go.

trying not to let it show

2005-04-07T19:29:02Z

3 days. for 3 straight days my mom has done nothing but bitch at me. I'd be depressed but then at the end of the day Nick and Rachel would cheer me up. Monday - wednesday i guess were "coming back" days from spring break. Now today, DAY #4 being back in school, everyone except for Nick and Rachel have ignored me. I got to school at 9:55am this morning, b/c i origionally wasn't gonna come. I could barely get out of bed w/o passing out on the floor. but about an hour later (7:30) I was starting to feel better and asked my mom if i could go. She yelled at me and said i need to learn to make up my fucking mind. Then she starting going into the "you can't do anything" bitching mode.
my sister just sat there adding to the yelling. saying things like "your the weakest link, good bye." and other stupid phrases that just annoy me. english my new seat is all by myself away from everyone. Mom's gonna get a message saying i was absent b/c i was only in english for 10 minutes. no one noticed me in photography. 3rd still noone. Lunch, i just randomly walked around while being forced to keep my mouth shut for my own safety as people started calling me a "dike" and saying things like "come here dike, i wanna talk to you" or one of the most commonly used ones "your going to hell, dike"
fourth, everyone just isn't noticing me. not even my teacher.
Tales of Symphonia (RPG gamecube game) been cheering me up lately until my mom took it back.

3:28pm.....
gotta go.....

quiz again

2005-04-07T19:13:32Z

got this from Nick. (would have answered it on his lj but not feeling to well and i have a headache from crying to much today. Don't worry about me, i'll get over my problems. I'll answer this for nick later)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:
» I committed suicide:
» I said I liked you:
» I kissed you:
» I lived next door to you:
» I started smoking:
» I stole something:
» I was hospitalized:
» I ran away from home:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:

» Personality:
» Eyes:
» Face:
» Hair:
» Clothes:
» Mannerisms:

[1] Who are you?
[2] Are we friends?
[3] When and how did we meet?
[4] How have I affected you?
[5] What do you think of me?
[6] What's the fondest memory you have of me?
[7] How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
[8] Do you love me?
[9] Have I ever hurt you?
[10] Would you hug me?
[11] Would you kiss me?
[12] Would you fuck me?
[13] Are we close?
[14] Emotionally, what stands out?
[15] Do you wish I was cooler?
[16] On a scale of 1-10, how attractive am I?
[17] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
[18] Am I loveable?
[19] How long have you known me?
[20] Describe me in one word.
[21] What was your first impression?
[22] Do you still think that way about me now?
[23] What do you think my weakness is?
[24] Do you think I'll get married?
[25] What about me makes you happy?
[26] What about me makes you sad?
[27] What reminds you of me?
[28] What's something you would change about me?
[29] How well do you know me?
[30] Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
[31] Do you think I would kill someone?
[32] Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?

BLAH

2005-03-23T19:58:50Z

bored........

The mahoeteki of spring

2005-03-22T20:13:56Z

the magick of spring
moisture as thick as air
dropping from the sky
as if tears of an angel-

fall,
onto this Earth,
creating presents for everyone to look upon

----

Mahoeteki- is japanese for magick

yet again another assignment for English

No one called me weird but i did get snaps instead of clapping *is very confused*

the assignment was to 1) write a poem about sping and use 2 "fresh images" OR 2) write a poem about spring and use a cliche'

I did the second one, and did the cliche' "april showes bring may flowers"

happy st. patrick's day, although it's not

2005-03-17T17:38:09Z

yeah.....today isn't happy.....

my friend's might be happy for no school today but guess what that meant for me and my sister? Getting hit by our mom. I didn't get hit, but very close to it. my mom didn't hit me cuz she saw the time and noticed she only had 20 mintues to get ready and get to work. So, i was spared, but my sister wasn't. Mom hit herr making her slip (we were in the bathroom) and fall back into the tub and hit her head. then my mom yelled at her for being "dramatic" saying that she (mom) didn't hit her hard enough to fall back into the tub. after my mom left, my uncle looked at me and said "i understand some of your poetry now...." my sister ran off to my room. I followed her. She was sitting on the ground crying her eyes out, and the only thing she'd say is "I want to die, I want to commit suicide" although i hate her, i felt like it was my job to comfort her and make her stop crying. about an hour after that, i called rachel(accidentally waking her up) and told her about what happened. I had to cut the convo short though b/c my mom got home right after i told rach about the incident.

I have a question...... why do things happen to me on holidays that begin with "happy"? (valentines, st.patrick, etc.)

Failure

2005-03-17T17:26:52Z

you wonder why things are the way they are-
you try to blame your idols,
but you can't
everything around you is dressed in sadness
covered in darkness
you put down the chips
and bet on having a better life
but your blood stained hands aren't helping anything
you pull out your ipod and shuffle through it
trying to find a song to make you feel better
but everything there is all about hate
your invisable footsteps are only seen in the darkness
will your manic depressive self, be ok?
your shadows are seen by the black emptiness of your soul
is this addiction, your poision?
your bloodfilled days won't go un-noticed
If you leave, your sorrow will affect more than yourself
The pain inflicted on your friends' haerts
can't be covered up by band-aids

---

I suck at poetry.........

Dream A Dream (no not the DDR song)

2005-03-11T23:15:32Z

yeah.... my mind hates me. Dream last night:

In the front of the school, with my mom and Nick, Rachel, and Meaghan. My mom threating to kill me and I pull a box cutter out of my pocket and slit my wrist in front of my mom and my friends. My mom does nothing as i fall back onto the concrete with Nick catching me and Rachel trying to stop the bleeding. Meaghan getting on Nick's cell phone trying to call an ambulance. What I thought would be the ultimate revenge angainst my mom turned out to back fire on me. Nick kept telling me to stay awake but all i remember about my dream other than that is slowly falling asleep.

What a lovely week this has been....

2005-03-11T23:09:30Z

HA! I can be happy for a week straight! *does a pichu victory dance* (sorry been obsessed with Super smash bros lately) Even through the harassment of 4th period, not being noticed in 1st period, being yelled at in 2nd for almost messing up MY FILM, and being talked about in 3rd, I somehow end up being happy at the end of every single day for the past week! I thought this week couldn't get any better and then this morning I wake up freaking out b/c i fell asleep in my clothes from school the previous day (my mom goes balistic when i do that). I get in the shower, get out and get dressed, go to my room and turn on my haunted stereo. I try to wake up my sister and she doesn't wake up. I kept screaming her name and she didn't even move. I know I hate my family but that scared the shit out of me. Eventually she woke up and told me she didn't feel good. So i went and finished getting ready. After that I started reading the new manga I bought called "Confidental Confessions" b/c i knew mom wouldn't leave before 8:05am and it was 7:50am. So after reading part of the first story I look at the clock. Hmmmm.... It says 8:10 so I put up the manga and ask my mom if we can leave for school (can't wait till i get a car). Her reasponse is "let me drop everything I'M doing and take you to school." This confused me b/c she was laying down in bed. After yelling at me for the way i decided to dress today and for losing my black earings that skwural bought me (and the fact that they broke), she starts to come towards me. I thought she was going to hit me so i back out of her room. She slams the door right in my face, hitting me in the nose (also making all the medicine fall off the shelves), I just walk off to my room, swimming through my deep pool of depression. I actually thought off cutting myself but then i realized I threw the knife in the creek and also realized that i didn't need it. So I showed up to school depressed, trying to hide but to no good.Nick makes the comment about giving me a lap dance and i get scared.... O_o;;;;; sorry but nick you really freak me out sometimes....
other than that this was my day:

1st period: no one noticing me, even when I pushed my litature book off my desk making a big noise
2nd: getting yelled at for almost messing up my film..... MY FILM
3rd: people talking about me, like always but i couldn't take it and i ask to go to the bathroom and OF COURSE the rule is "no going to the bathroom in class" so i breakdown in class and everyone starts apolgizing, like that helps anything. WHY APOLOGIZE IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT?
4th: FUN!!!!! I video taped people!!!!!